OCTOBER | 2019 | FRONT PAGE

OLLY OLLY, OUT AND FREE

If you’ve ever played, capture the flag or kick the can then one of two things is probably be true about you; the first is that you more than likely grew up with white kids, and the other is that you’re familiar with the phrase “olly, olly, oxen free”. Olly, olly oxen free is what kids yell during these games as a signal that it's safe to come out of hiding, which makes it the perfect fit as the title for our second annual Out issue. 

National coming out day is this Friday, which is right around the corner. The occasion was established as a way to quell the rise of homophobia by reminding everyone that they were, in one way or another, connected to someone who identified as gay or lesbian. The hope was that once people realized they were connected to someone who identified as same gender loving, that they’d become more accepting and understanding. While the thought was that establishing an annual date for those who were interested in coming out to do so, it can be assumed that more of its consideration was given to the white majority, while neglecting the African American, LatinX, and other communities of colors.

Coming out has always been different for us. Unlike our white allies, we’re constantly balancing our racial and sexual identities with our manhood. We exist within communities who believe that masculinity and queerness can’t peacefully coexist just as we exist within communities that believe blackness, masculinity and queerness doesn't make for a perfect mix. 

Our challenges are unique when generally compared to those of white men, as the personal, familial, and social challenges they face, double in weight when you look like us. But anyone who looks and loves like us is all too familiar with these truths, so we won’t waste time explaining that which is already known.

However, what we will do is explore whether or not coming out is something that’s still necessary in 2019 and beyond and the pros and cons of doing (or not doing) so as it applies to us as same gender loving men of color. 

The long of the short of things as they pertain to coming out is that our sexuality isn’t anyone’s business. Our sexuality is a private matter, and the decision to share it is a personal one. Let’s say that you’ve been called into your supervisor’s office for a meeting and that while there you noticed multiple pictures of himself and someone who appears to be his husband on his desk.

You see pictures of them dressed in tuxedos at an alter, a “love is love” frame containing a sepia photo of them walking hand in hand on a beach, and another photo of them sharing a kiss. This is your first time seeing photos, and up until now you had no clue he was same gender loving, but tell us- did he come out to you, or was he simply minding his damn business? 

This example (which was drawn directly from real life events) illustrates how someone can make a personal decision to share something private, publicly. Did it require a day? No. Did it require a parade? Not at all. Regardless, this shows us one way to come out without creating an unnecessary spectacle. No shade. The only people who need to know anything about our sexual preference are those who are interested in having sex with us.

We don’t need to tell our relatives, our coworkers, the bus driver, or the cashier at the checkout lane in Walmart about who or how we love, because its none of their fucking business. We can decide to tell them, but we are not obligated to.  

People desire to know about what lies between the legs of the people we sleep with because that knowledge allows them to enforce whatever biases they have against us and to categorize us as well. Sexuality isn’t something to base a platonic or professional relationship off of, but it is something that can be used against us. Coming out to the world means subjecting ourselves to these biases and categorizations. We’d never suggest that sexuality should remain hidden, but we’ll always acknowledge the importance of being familiar with some of the pros and cons of coming out.

One of the things we should have all learned by now is that everything comes with a cost. This doesn’t always mean the cost will be negative, but it does mean that whatever you’re doing can’t be done without what the writers of FullMetal Alchemist call equivalent exchange. The law of equivalent exchange is fictional, of course, but its principals are very real when it comes to coming out. Such, in order to “live your truth” (which is such gay thing to say, but whatever) you must be willing to accept the cost of discrimination, otherization, and rejection. 

Revealing your sexual preference to an unaccepting crowd can be dangerous, and can even cost you your job in at least 20 states in the U.S. If that’s not bad enough, you might start to notice the ways in which your friends and family treat you. You’ll find yourself in the presence of women who are just dying to have a “gay friend”, and that many straight men won’t be interested in associating with you because people might mistake them as being gay through association.

Along with that comes with your sexuality becoming the main topic of discussion in group chats that you’ll never know (or really care) about, and Jesus, let’s not even start to talk about the way the church will try to usurp whatever relationship you have with the Lord. Sometimes the cost of coming out is worth the purchase. Coming out means you don’t have to deny or hide your romantic relationships, which also relieves you from the stress of previously having to do so.

You’ll undoubtedly bump into some unexpected allies, and get a better sense of who is here for you and who isn’t. Coming out is almost like being the new kid in class all over again, as it gives you the chance to shape your identity as you see fit. Many have associated coming out with freedom, but just remember that freedom will almost always come at a price, and the only person who knows whether or not the funds exist to cover that price is you. 

Coming out comes with a very specific set of drawbacks, and opportunities, but at the end of the day the choice is, and always should be, yours. Making this decision is about as easy as it is unfair, because nobody ever ruined a perfectly good Thanksgiving by announcing that they were heterosexual.

You can decide to tell your family, or create a situation to where they eventually have to ask. Although we wouldn’t recommend it, you can tell your employer, the bus driver, and the guy at the checkout lane if you’d like. The how and when of coming out isn’t as important as the why, The why should be born from a sense of readiness, a readiness to accept the good, the bad, the ugly, and a demonstrated willingness to weather whatever storms might be conjured by doing so.

The pros and cons of coming out become ever clear when we consider all of these things. Coming out will certainly make us feel better about ourselves, which is great for self-esteem. It allows us to strengthen the relationships we have with the people who are here for us, and gives us the opportunity to distance ourselves from the people who aren’t.

Coming out frees us from the confines of “the closet” just as much as it gives us a chance to be part of a community. Some of the risks we take when coming out include dealing with whatever rejection comes as a result of us doing so, harassment, discrimination, and depending on the situation, homelessness. The process is filled with a seemingly endless list of benefits and stressors, which is why those of us who haven’t come out shouldn’t do so until they’re ready- and that readiness can look and feel differently depending on the situation.

Our goal is to never dissuade anyone from living their best lives. We actually stand for and encourage people to live their lives to the fullest, which is why we want to make sure that those who (for whatever reason) haven’t come out, are aware of the potential paths they’ll have to travel in doing so. Our sexuality plays a role in the complexity of our lives, but it shouldn’t ever be seen as the whole of our many parts.

Those of us who’ve been paying attention thus far know that’s not the case, that some of the people we tell will make our sexuality our ‘thing’, and will find it difficult to see us as anything more than the people we love. Dealing with these types of people can be a challenge, but many of us have become accustomed to handling those. Should we have to? No. But we do. Hopefully we’re doing so as gentlemen who understand that the “olly, olly, oxen free” isn’t something we should have to yell to the world to announce our sexuality, but something that the world should be yelling to us as a signal that we’ll be safe in doing so.