NOVEMBER | 2019 | FRONT PAGE

GRACE UNDER FIRE

Those of us of a particular age will remember Grace Under Fire as a sitcom from the mid-1990s before considering it as an expression to describe those who are able to remain calm during stormy situations. Examples of this can be found in the way Barack Obama handled his detractors, the manner that Billy Porter refuses to be anyone outside of the person his creator made him to be, and in the approach LZ Granderson took as he boldly leapt into the heterosexually dominated fire pit of sports media. Grace under fire is not only about remaining calm under pressure, but demonstrating the ability to effectively function under that pressure as well.  

We’ve cultivated our small space on Al Gore’s internet by remaining focused on the challenges that same gender loving gentlemen of color encounter ad nauseum- but if you haven’t picked up on it yet, it's kind of our thing. Although we’ve spent the majority of our time covering these challenges, we haven’t spent enough time talking about how to deal with them. Allow us to rectify that by using November’s Front Page to illustrate why demonstrating grace under fire is essential for us, and why we should be thankful for the ability to do so as well. 

Let’s begin by reviewing a very loose list of some of the bullshit we’ll all experience at one point or another. Being of color ensures that racism will almost always serve as an ever present plus one to the oppression parties we weren't invited to but are often forced to attend, but that’s not even the worst part. The guest list to these parties are filled with the saddest of attendees, including discrimination, prejudice, and their friends institutionalized and personally mediated racism. 

Our sexuality and orientation come with their own set of challenges which include, but are not limited to discrimination and prejudice (which comes with a 2x bonus when combined with being of color), racism, homophobia (apply 2x bonus when combined with being of color), religious persecution and/or exclusion, and all the other stressers that come with being part of a duo minority community.

Lastly, we’ve got to consider the role that our maleness plays in all of this as well. Don’t let the smooth taste fool you, because male privilege isn’t all it's cracked up to be when you’re of color and same gender loving. Being male, of color, and same gender loving comes with the pressure of being masculine, a quality that’s not only highly desired, but required.

It mandates that we either demonstrate or feign dominance in our relationships, an interest in sports, a competitive nature, and an ability to live each and every day of our lives without showing one ounce of emotion. That’s a lot for us to shoulder, but it's not like we have much choice in the matter, because our very existence depends on us doing so. Those who are familiar with Greek philosophy might recall Epictetus, who held firm to the belief that we should recognize external events as being beyond our control. The philosopher believed that we should focus more on how we deal with things as opposed to focusing on the actual things.

None of the racism, discrimination, prejudice, exclusion, hyper and/or toxic masculinity, matter as much as the ways that we deal with them. This why Epicteus’ philosophy is so important, because in taking his approach to things we’re able to free ourselves from the control these things have over us.

Now comes the hard part, the how. How do we stare these challenges in the face without bucking? One of the things that makes the how of demonstrating grace under fire so difficult is its complexity. Its layered, and the first layer requires for us to be present.

Okay, so you’re standing in line waiting on your Popeye’s chicken sandwich and someone calls you a fag. Many of us might immediately jump to action..but grace! Grace! Grace, in this situation, requires us to be present in that moment, to check our emotions, evaluate our safety, and to breathe. 

Remember, we’re not looking at the offense, or fire, as much as we’re focused on how we respond to it. Hit dogs always holler, and our responses to instances like these almost always prove that to be true. In this example we’ve got a few choices, we can ignore the offense, or we can go balls to the wall. The choice is always ours to make, but we’ve got to remember the consequences of the choices we make. One will demonstrate grace, while the other will make us the hit dog who hollered.

The fire is what it always has been. Its painful, burns, and will certainly leave a scar or two, but it also builds character. A handy trick to mastering the how of being present is to not take things personally. We do this by not worrying about what people think about us or the way we react to situations. Why should we care?

Taking a self centered approach to this notion might be the most effective way to achieve this. The majority of us go throughout our lives not paying much attention to others, so it's safe to assume that others aren’t really paying much attention to us. Okay, so we’re not going to mush trade in face for calling us a sissy, but that doesn’t make us a punk, and so what if it does? Who the hell are we trying to impress, anyways?

Another way to exhibit grace under fire is to know your worth. The reason that a knowledge of self worth is important is because it gives us a solid foundation of self to stand on.

This awareness is essential when it comes to exerting grace under fire because it will determine our responses to whatever pressure we find ourselves under. Our self worth is a shelter of protection against the oppressive storms of racism, homophobia, and prejudice.

It’s the internal reminder of the things we believe, our values and about who we are when no one is looking. Self worth is our fuel, and none of us can afford to waste a single drop of it on things that won’t matter in the next twenty days, hours, minutes, or seconds. 

A few minutes ago we told you that we weren’t about to feed you a bunch a holistic garbage, because we’re well aware of how homophobia, racism, and discrimination can serve as triggers. We’re not going to always know how to mark ourselves as present or care about how we should defer to our self worth when we’re up against a wall. However, one thing we can do in the absence of these things is to choose our battles. We don’t have to attend every argument or confrontation we’re invited to, but we can at least do our best to ensure that we’re prepared for the ones we do. A lot of us have become professionals at this because its always the same with the homophobes, bible thumpers and racists.

Our familiarity with these types is to be assumed as its pretty safe to say our mettle has endured their previous attempts to break us. This is not only the advantage we have over them, but the reason our grace is what it is. The grace we exemplify under fire is the reason their offenses bounce off our chests in the same way they bounce off of Superman’s, the impetus that propels our resilience, and the motivation that pushes us through each and every obstacle they intentionally set before us— and that’s why its so essential. 

When we think about grace under fire, and the examples that Obama, Billy Porter and LZ have set for us, we’re able to visualize what successful demonstrations of it look like. It’s realizing the challenges that we, as same gender loving gentlemen of color are forced to encounter and finding ways to deal with them that don’t dampen our ability to perform. Its the awareness we call upon when we’re in the thick of things, not taking any of it personal, and remembering our worth and what we’re made of. Its not always easy, but does always build character. Demonstrating such grace becomes easier when we realize that the things that happen to us aren’t as important as the way we deal with them are, and that experiencing these challenges shouldn’t break us, but to sharpen the steel that already exists.