NOVEMBER | 2019 | ESSENTIALS

LET THERE BE LIGHT

By now many of you reading this have heard about the unfortunate passing of Tyree Williams. Ty, was such an amazing spirit, and had a smile that lit up every room he walked into. He inserted himself into our news feeds in 2015 with the introduction of Tai Couture Salon. Sadly, he left us in a similar fashion as his family opted to live streamed his homegoing ceremony in an effort to provide closure to his combined fifty one thousand social media followers. His absence is sure to be felt by his family and anyone who was fortunate enough to cross his path, as there can, and will be no substitute for the light he shared with us. 

Although we’ve received no official word about the details surrounding Tai’s death, it has been widely speculated that he committed suicide. Again, we haven’t received word of this from a reputable source, but based on his previously posted videos, the idea or doing so wasn’t foreign. We wanted to not only dedicate November’s releases to Tai, but commit this month’s Essentials to providing those who’ve lost loved ones to suicide with some suggestions on how to move on and heal after the sudden departure of a loved one or friend. 

In many cases where someone we’re close to commits suicide we’re left holding a why filled bag of wonders. We wonder why we didn’t recognize the signs, why we didn’t do more, why they didn’t reach out, and about what it was they were experiencing that was so bad that they felt suicide was their only option. Its almost always challenging to think about the things that lead our loved ones to commit suicide, and about what, if anything, actions we could have taken to prevent it, but its equally challenging to not think about these things as well. 

Suicide is often an act of last resort for someone standing in the midst of an emotionally powerful storm. These storms are normally triggered by depression, which affects the ways we think, feel, and act. While depression can be treated, access to treatment can make dealing with it a challenge. Many try in vain to fight off the feelings of sadness, fatigue, and feelings of worthlessness and guilt in the absence of treatment, which can lead to them making the choice to end their lives. Understanding these things is essential for those of us who’ve experienced the sting of losing a loved one to suicide. 

Suicide can trigger a variety of emotions for those of us who are left behind to pick up the pieces. There’s the initial shock that leads us to hoping it isn’t true, the anger we experience as a result of feeling we’ve been left behind, the guilt that accompanies all of the “what if” and “if only” scenarios that replay on a loop in our minds, the despair that burdens us in the wake of sadness, and the confusion we encounter as we try to make sense of it all. These are all natural feelings, and we should do our best to acknowledge them as they happen because they’re part of the process. However natural these things are, we shouldn’t allow them to immobilize us, because we’ve got work to do. 

Our work begins through developing coping strategies to aid us through these difficult times. The furrow that follows a loved one’s suicide is can be a doozy, but we’ve gotta do our best to focus. One of the best ways for us to do this is to either connect or reconnect with our friends and family. Why? Because it’s going to be essential that we surround ourselves with people who are willing to listen to us during this period of emotional duress. There is no set way to grieve the loss of a loved one, so grieving in our own way is also important. Again, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve so we can cry, celebrate, or scream to our heart’s

The first few weeks and months following the death of a loved one are sure to be filled with a variety of painful reminders, and we shouldn’t chide ourselves for feeling the things we feel. However, we can use these reminders as opportunities to celebrate our lost in the best ways imaginable. We can’t promise or expect that we’ll ever get over the loss, and should take our time when it comes to allowing ourselves to process our emotions. Doing this gives us the opportunity to heal at our own pace as there’s no such thing as an expiration date as far as grief is concerned. 

Our final suggestion to moving on after the loss of a loved one is acceptance. This can be tricky, because it involves us putting ourselves over the loss of our friend or loved one. Why is acceptance so challenging? Because it requires us to exemplify that life goes on.

We can miss our loved one and still continue living our best lives. One of the reasons acceptance can be a challenge is because many equate it forgetting the person we’ve lost. But it’s not that, its taking the loss for what it is and as something that can’t be changed. It’s being able to move forward with the memory of the lost, not forgetting the impact they had on our lives. 

It would be careless if we didn’t tie any of this to gratitude. It’s hard to imagine how one could be thankful in situations such as these, but all it takes is a bit of consciousness. Past the feelings of grief and sadness lies the opportunity for us to be thankful that we had the opportunity to share time and space with our loved one. We can spend a little time doing this by celebrating the memories we made with them. This can look any way we want it to, and can include celebrating their birthday, watching their favorite movie, or dedicating ourselves to a cause they held dear. People come into our lives for a reason and a season, but the meaningfulness of the reason doesn’t end when the season does. Our goal should be to not only make peace with this, but to allow that peace to be our friend. 

Putting the pieces together after a loved one commits suicide can be difficult to say the least, but we’re capable of healing in time. A key component to this healing is not only allowing ourselves the opportunity to experience the grief, but to understand that the goal of suicide is not to end life, but to end pain. Those who experience, and sometimes go through with the act, do so as a result of enduring never ending bouts with depression, and living, to them, becomes objectionable. However, the darkness that follows doesn’t have to be as indefinite as it may seem. Our relationships with those we hold dear allow us to create experiences and memories that live on in the event that they do not. Such, we should let these memories serve as a light to comfort and guide us in the darkness of their absence to ensure the path to healing remains lit.  

If you, or someone you know have, or previously had suicidal ideations, do not hesitate to reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1-800-273-8255. Here you’ll receive free and confidential support, and a list of resources available to you in your time of need. Assistance is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.