JUNE | 2019 | LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

LOVE AT FIRST LIKE

Somewhere out there is a Beaux hopelessly scrolling through the endlessly infinite void of Instagram searching for posts depicting of a love he wonders if he’ll ever know. While he may not be lonely, he’s definitely alone, and that’s not always a good feeling. Try as he might, he hasn’t quite found a way to address his situation. What he has found, however, is the #relationshipgoals hashtag, and he’s following it like its a black shopper at Versace. Before you assume that this lonesome Beaux is the only one carrying like this, don’t. Because many of us have been there.  Many of us are reading this from there now.

Admiring the love we see on our timelines is a faultless crime, because even those of us with the blackest of hearts need some kind of love. Wanting to be loved and submitting to a desire to feel a sense of belonging are fundamental human things. No Beaux is an island unto himself, so none of this should come as a shock. We come into this world alone, and many of us will leave it alone- but that doesn’t mean we’re going to be happy about it. Alone isn’t such a bad look for some, but what about those who aren’t about that solitary life? How should we feel as singles who long to experience the love we see displayed on social media?

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. We see them as being inherently good, consider ourselves as being open enough to give and receive love, appreciate the validation they provide, and are ready to accept the security that accompanies them. Regardless of how true this might be for us, we’ve got to be careful that we don’t fall into the trap of thinking that whatever relationship we find will mirror those of the couples featured under Instagram’s  #relationshipgoals hashtag.

Social media has a lot of us under the impression that these relationships were formed as a result of love at first like. This couldn’t be furthest from the truth as the instagram couples whose pictures capture their cute couple exploits rarely exist in a state of premarital or marital bliss. Yes, we should soak up as much representation as we can when it comes to these images, because they reminder that our kind of love can flourish. However, we’ve got to be aware that the way we view them, and the assumptions we make about them can be problematic.

We’re all grown enough to know that no relationship is as perfect as it may appear online, but we still allow ourselves to act as if they are. We tend to view these relationships as those where each Beaux is completely focused on the happiness of the other, where honesty and communication flow freely, and where both partners strive to make the other better. We hold these relationships in high regard and double tap ourselves into thinking that if they can do it, then so can we.

In all fairness, it's not hard to make this mistake in an age where relationships are glamorized beyond measure, but we’ve got to be cautious in allowing the carefully crafted and captured moments of others to dictate our current or next relationship. The unrealistic expectations we set as a result of the ways we view their relationship might not place a lot of pressure on us, but they can be a burden for our potential Beauxs. Instances where we base our relationship goals off of what we “see” in the relationships of others will almost always find us at the end of a path paved with disappointment.

We look at their weekly date night pics and think, “I can’t wait to find a man who I can do that with”. We take each and every one of the images they post at face value, and use them to manage our own expectations of future relationships. This is where many of us fuck it up. We can never hope to be truly authentic with our Beaux if our expectation of him is to treat us the way we think someone else is treating their man. He’s not them, and the two of us aren’t them.

Social media couples unintentionally set us up for failure by giving us unrealistic expectations. We expect that our current or future Beaux should or will send us “good morning” texts every day, and that he’ll effortlessly shower us with his attention.  These aren’t lofty expectations, because there’s not a soul among us who doesn’t want or deserve these things. But we’ve got to realize that relationships are about more than Instagram likes.

Yeah, Tyrone sent a bouquet of flowers to his Beaux’s job, and the photo of it on Instagram looked real good above the “Get you a man who treats you right” caption, but what we don’t know is that Tyrone and his Beaux just left the clinic because Tyrone is unfaithful and couldn’t keep his dick to himself. So yeah, they’ll post the good, but they’ll never post their syphilis tithers.

The couples we see online aren’t posting about the arguments they have regarding infidelity, about their financial stresses, or about which of the two doesn’t wipe the toilet seat off after its been pissed on. They’re not posting about the insecurities, communication issues or all the things they feel they’re not getting from their Beauxs, and there’s a reason for this. First of all, it’s none of our business, and any couple should do their best to put on a brave face even when things aren’t going great. The other reason these couples don’t post their struggles is because they don’t want to broadcast the challenges or imperfections that exist within their relationships.  

We need to be cautious whenever we pursue romantic relationships. We need to ensure that our expectations are based off of the things we genuinely need, and not off of the things we’ve seen posted on social media.  Yes, we can always to the couples that we admire for inspiration, but we should never ground the expectations we set in our own relationship based off of what we SEE in theirs. You know we love love here and are always excited to see two (of three, or more) Beauxs engaged in something meaninful, but we must always take care that our relationships are mirrored after our own wants, and not after the things we double tap on Instagram.

So whether the Beaux out there scrolling through the #relationshipgoals hashtag is you, or someone you know, rest assured that almost all of us have been there. The romantic in us loves love, and there’s not a soul among us who doesn’t deserve it. Our goal in acquiring the love we seek should be to ensure that we’re as realistic as possible about our relationship, our ability to create our own loving environment, and to not attempt to duplicate what we’ve seen- because at the end of the day love at first like is more the exception than the rule, and the rules WE set for OUR relationship should be based on what we need, and not a want for what we think others may already have.