DECEMBER | 2019 | LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

THE FAUX BEAUX

December signals more than the official start of the holiday season. It marks the formal beginning of cuffing season as well. However, many entered into (and left) August’s scouting events empty handed, uncovered nothing worthy enough to draft in September, were disappointed by October’s tryouts, and completely missed the events of November’s pre-season. And now that cuffing season has officially begun there’s nothing left for us to do but sit on the sidelines and cheer those who were successfully snagged as they enter the January’s playoffs, and February’s championship game. But before we beat ourselves up about what we’re missing, we should probably consider spending a little time thinking about what it is we have to offer. 

There are a lot of single Beauxs out there. While many of us have willingly chosen to remain as such, others are searching for a Beaux to call their own, their forever. There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy desire for intimacy and connections because its natural, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be left to our own devices either. Romantic relationships increase our confidence and self-esteem just as much as they make us feel worthy. However, there are a lot of us looking for something we might not be ready for. 

The difference between those who are single by choice and those who are actively looking is that those who’ve made the conscious decision to remain single have done so with reason.  They know that they’re either not willing or ready to shoulder the responsibility of commitment, have accepted their disinterest in having to constantly compromise, and are content with not having to explain themselves to anyone. This keeps them from involving themselves with people who are looking for more than they can offer, and we stan. The purposefully single Beaux knows what he wants, is equipped with all the tools necessary to acquire it, and is fully self-aware in this aspect of his life. But what about the rest of us?

Relationships require a (near) perfect mix of aligned goals, expectations, and motivations. These are the things that determine how healthy the relationship will be. This doesn’t mean our goals should perfectly mirror the goals of our Beaux, but they should at exist within the same realm. Setting, agreeing to, and managing expectations is equally important because doing so provides us with a framework under which to operate. Motivation is no different than our goals and expectations, and should also exist within a similar realm of our Beaux’s. We’re jumping the gun on this a bit, because before we deep dive into things to consider before entering a relationship, we’ve gotta center our focus on identifying these things as singles.

We all need to be able to identify our individual goals, expectations, and motivations before we attempt to identify a joined set. What was that one thing we’ve wanted to do but haven’t, and why? What are the expectations we’ve set for ourselves, and why? Have we even set any expectations to begin with? What are the things that motivate us, and how do we function in the absence of these motivators? These are the questions we should ask ourselves before entertaining any idea to commit ourselves to someone else because the consequences of not doing so won’t be pretty. 

Other things we should consider is whether or not we’re willing to be as good to someone else as often as we can be, to put someone’s interests ahead of our own, and to not only expand our ability to communicate with others, but demonstrate a willingness to understand the ways that people communicate as well. These things, when coupled with a readiness to accept someone as they are, overstanding that it's nobody’s job to complete us, and being prepared to mesh certain aspects of our lives with those of another, are indicators that we’re ready to do the damn thing. 

Being as good as we can, as often as we can isn’t as vague as it may appear. It just requires us to be conscious of keeping our Beaux by employing the same methods used to get him. KTSE. If we’re lured our Beaux to us with unbridled acts of chivalry, we’ve gotta be willing to keep that same energy. If we won him over with our daily “good morning” texts, we’ve gotta be willing to keep that same energy. Breakfast in bed, flowers at work, and date nights shouldn’t stop because we got what we were reaching for, and if can’t accept that, then we’re not as ready as we think.  

Before we jump to putting someone else’s interest ahead of our own we’ve got to understand exactly what that means. It doesn’t mean that we should unnecessarily sacrifice our interests as much as it means that we should demonstrate an interest in the interest of our Beaux. Such, we’ll need to develop a layman’s understanding of Pokemon, Game of Thrones, and anything else he may be interested in as well. This isn’t the one way street it appears to be either as the expectation is that he’ll do the same for us. 

Communication plays a big role in any relationship, so it should come as no surprise that we’ve included it as a consideration. Guys always tout communication as a relationship essential, but more often than not their expectations are one directional. Communication is about more than talking, it's about understanding how our Beaux communicates, but accepting his form of communication as well. Remember, he’s not us, so we can’t expect that his style of communication will mirror ours. We’ve got to know how to communicate with our Beaux when he’s angry, when he attempts to shut down, or when he’s just not feeling it.  

This is a lot, right? Right. But there’s more. There’s always more. Our assumed readiness comes with the responsibility of accepting our Beaux for who he is, flaws and all. This means treating him as an actual person and not an ideal, and respecting his thoughts, beliefs, and opinions as opposed to working to change them. Our Beaux is not a project to be worked on in our spare time, and seeing him as anything similar to that won’t lead to anything sustainable.

One of the biggest mistakes some of us make is that we expect our Beaux to complete us. This expectation is as asinine as it is unfair, because we’re nobody’s piece. We didn’t come into this world with a “some assembly required” sign attached to us, and the sooner we realize that the better off we’ll be. Our Beaux isn’t a missing puzzle piece, but he can serve as an accessory of sorts. Accessories don’t complete as much as they enhance, so we’d be wise to keep this in mind with regard to our Beaux.  

If we spend a little time with the aforementioned considerations, we should be able to determine whether or not we’re as ready for a relationship as we think we are. Relationships aren’t hard, but they do take work. If we’re not ready to put in the work (which is perfectly fine) then the best option for us is to sit our asses down until we’re ready, otherwise we’re just out here playing with the feelings of someone’s son. We should aspire to more than being that guy. Yeah, we know the holidays are coming and that this might be a hard truth, but it's we’ve really gotta be honest with ourselves before entangling someone else in our madness. Its okay if we’re not ready just like it’ll be okay if we’ll never be ready. What’s not okay is misleading ourselves, or anyone else into thinking that we’re ready to be more than a faux beaux.