DECEMBER | 2019 | FRONT PAGE

PEACE BE STILL

Life is filled with choices. The older we get, the more we (hopefully) learn and are aware of the consequences that these choices can have. It has been estimated that the average adult makes around 35,000 choices a day. These choices might include (but may not be limited to) whether or not you’re going to get that morning meat beat in before getting ready for work or using that extra three minutes to sleep, what you’re going to wear to work, the route you take to work, whether or not you’ll leave on time, stop by McDonald’s, and the music you listen to while en route to work as well. You’d probably be surprised at the number of choices you make throughout the day. Hell, taking the time to count them is a choice as well. However, regardless of however many choices we have at our disposal, the one choice we didn’t make was the families we were born into.

The holidays upon are us, and that means that some of us will suffer through the unfortunate occasion of spending time with a single or set of problematic parental units, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Many of you know exactly who we’re talking about. They’re the ones who won’t directly ask about your Beaux, but about your “little friend”, the ones who look down their holy noses on you and the spirit of homosexuality you house, and the ones who will easily accept you as a murderer, rapist, or a deadbeat father, before accepting you as being SGL or gay. None of us are strangers to the commandment dictating us to unconditionally honor our parents, but how do we act in the instances where they don’t honor us? 

One of the main reasons that the holidays are so stressful for us as SGL gentlemen of color is because of the ways our families view our “lifestyle”. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone reading this, because while some of us are fortunate enough to come from families who couldn’t care less about who we love or are sleeping with, others came into this world tethered to families who base their acceptance on sexuality. Heterosexuality. The stress, anxiety, and even the depression that some of us experience through the holidays rests on the hinges of their thoughts, views and opinions of our love, and there’s way no in hell we should be expected to endure these things in the name of “family”. Fuck that.

We infinitely overstand these feelings and emotions, and are here to tell you that despite what you’ve heard, you can actually choose to not deal with your family, or anyone who goes out of their way to make you feel less than because of who you choose to do the nasty with. Your presence is a present, and if the people who brought you into this world, along with the people you were brought up with can’t acknowledge that, bye. It would be totally irresponsible for us to give you the “what” without the “why”, which is why we’re gonna spend a little time giving you some suggestions on how to navigate these problematic pieces of shit.  Sorry, Beaux. Strong topic, strong language.

The silver lining to this problematic cloud is that what you’re about to read can be applied to any of the problematic people in our lives, however, since the holiday season is upon us, we felt it would be reasonable to focus on ways to navigate around (or away from, because we have the option to do so) our troublesome tribes.

The first realization that we’ve gotta wrestle with while dealing with relatives we might not like but are subject to encountering during the holiday season is that it's not our job to fix their difficult asses! Often times we put too much energy into trying to change the minds and perspectives of others. While some might think that attempts to educate, convince, or enlighten their problematic family members will bear a productive fruit, chances are that it will only result in them digging their heels even deeper into the soils of stupidity.

Their actions, along with their way of thinking are not only what they are, but what they’ve always been, and will continue to be until they make the decision to change them. Sometimes we’ll find ourselves in situations where our efforts are rewarded, when the ignorant work to listen and understand, but this is never a guarantee. This doesn’t mean that we should stop trying as much as it means we should stop trying so hard. A failed attempt at convincing our families that our sexuality is not an affront against God, that it doesn’t make us less than men, and that its disgraceful, leaves us with the choice of accepting that they’re not changing.

Discernment is always key when it comes to dealing with problematic family members. According to the Bible, God is the only being capable of demonstrating a perfect sense of discernment. From what we’ve read in Psalms 139 (NIV), God knows when we sit and rise, can perceive our thoughts from afar, discern our going out and laying down, and is familiar with our ways.

Before a word is on our tongue, He knows it. Completely. And before y’all start tripping, just know that despite our grievances with organized religion, we can call upon a scripture or two when needed. As Genesis 1;27 (KJV) states that we were made in His image, it can be assumed that somewhere along the line we inherited a small measure of his divine discernment. And who would we be to deny ourselves the opportunity to use such a divine gift?

This discernment is what alerts us when one of our messy ass family members tries to create conflict by pulling our hoe cards, or by purposefully positioning themselves to ensure that they’re standing as close to our last nerve as possible. We’ve gotta remember to call on this gift when we feel ourselves entering into an uncontrollable fever pitch of emotion. Why? Well if you’ve been reading then you know why!

The thoughts and opinions of these people don’t matter, and they matter even less when they’re not financing or feeding us. Our task is to stay focused on our happiness and peace of mind. Not piece, peace. Doing so doesn’t put us in the position to mount a defense, or an argument, because the read is that at the end of the day, we’re not stuck with their outdated beliefs. They are. And we can revel in that if we want to. Its okay. 

Regardless of what the setting may be, communication is always key. Such, when dealing with our problematic family members we, in the words of Jill Scott, “ could just be silent.” Just because we choose to be around these people for the holidays, doesn’t mean we have to entertain their foolishness. This doesn’t mean that we should sit there in complete silence as much as it means we should keep the communication to a minimum. We don’t want to give them room to insert their problematic opinions. We realize that some will make room to do this when none is given, and in instances like those we can learn from Eva by removing ourselves from the situation before it becomes a situation. 

The realization that it's not our responsibility to fix our problematic family members, along with exercising our divinely gifted discernment, and keeping communication as limited as possible will play big roles in maintaining our peace.

What’s equally important is realizing that none of the problematic opinions have anything to do with us. Not taking these things personally can be challenging, but if we pay close attention to the anatomy of their problematic thoughts and opinions, we’ll discover that we are not responsible. The 35,000 choices we make on a daily basis can include, but not be limited to, refusing to take the bait. Why? Because prioritizing our own well being is essential to our growth as much as its necessary for our peace.Ignoring this takes us from being victims to volunteers, and ain’t nobody got time for that.