JULY | 2019 | ESSENTIALS

SOVEREIGN

Many of us spend a lot of time reveling in our independence. We make our own decisions without the need for advice or reassurance, we don’t rely on others to take responsibility for us, and can disagree without the fear being rejected by those around us. These are, at the very least, the things we’re expected to do as fully functioning, fully recognized men. We’re not about to focus on having our own houses, having our own cars, two jobs work hard, and on how we’re bad broads-- because this most certainly isn’t that. Boasting about financial independence isn’t hard for many of us, because we’ve become experts at making sure our most basic tangible needs are met. 

We go to work, we make money, and we pay the bills that ensure that we continue to go to work to make money so that we can pay the bills. It's called adulting, and it's nothing to really brag about because at the end of the day, adulting issa scam. As we wrap up this month’s Independence issue, we wanted to spend a little time talking about sovereignty as it relates to our mental wellbeing as same gender loving gentlemen of color. 

The biggest open secret to life lies in understanding that there are going to be things we simply can’t control. We can’t control the things people say or do, we can’t control their opinions of us or our “lifestyle”, and we can’t control how they feel. We can’t control these things any more than we can control traffic, the weather, or whatever the hell is going on in the depths of Donald Trump's mind. However simplistic the need to understand these things may appear, so many of us put too much effort into trying to change them. The pill we’ve got to swallow is that change in these areas is not going to happen on our time or our watch.

Trying to control that which is beyond our control is emotionally taxing, and we owe it to ourselves to do better. Such, it's important to understand the things we can control, how to stop caring about the things we can’t, and on ways to handle the stress that comes with doing either. The reason we decided to present this month’s essentials under the selected title is because sovereignty allows us to create the rules under which we choose to operate for ourselves and the around the people we surround ourselves with.

We can’t control the way people treat us, but we can control the way we treat others. Similarly, the authority of deciding what behaviors we accept lies within us. People will only treat us in the ways we allow them to, and again, that choice is ours. This is the kind of sovereignty we’re talking about, and it exists in exercising our supreme authority in deciding, among the things we can control, what will and will not be tolerated, said, or done to us, by others. 

We control the expectations we set for ourselves. To be fair, we’re not totally responsible for all of the expectations we’ve placed on ourselves, as our family, friends, and society have done their fair share of damage to us in this department. This is why many of us felt like underachievers when we graduated from college at 35, blame ourselves for remaining single amongst a group of seemingly happily coupled friends, and become anxious when we realize we’re not as successful as our least successful peer is. While we might have had an excuse before, there’s not a single reason why each and every one of us can’t set and manage the expectations we have for ourselves and others.

This isn’t always going to be pretty, but it’ll always be effective. Managing expectations for ourselves involves us being real about what we can and can’t handle, not what we will or won’t but what we can and can’t. There’s a difference. The cans and can’ts deal with our internal limitations whereas the wills and won’ts refer to everything and everybody outside and around us. By viewing things in this manner, it becomes a bit easier to manage our expectations for ourselves and others at the same damn time.

Maybe we can tolerate aunt Rose’s “disapproval” of our lifestyle while we’re at the family function, but we won’t spend a single moment of our life’s time listening to, or debating her about it. Simply put, if we can (internal expectation) then we will (external expectation), and if we can’t, we won’t. 

There are tons of other things we can control as well, such as when, where and why we say “yes” or “no”. Saying yes means that we can, and we can because we know we can, so we will. Remember, the “can” is the expectation we set for ourselves, and the “will” is what we’ll do (or not do) for others. We reign supreme over the choices we make for us, and this is what makes us sovereign, as we exhibit a decision making autonomy that is as pure as it is unadulterated.

Life will always throw something out of us that’s beyond our control. Always. This is why it's essential that we abandon focusing on the things we can’t control and center our attention on the things that we can. The challenge lies in putting all of this into practice, and doing that means that we’ve simply got to stop caring about the out of pocket shit people say, do, and think of us. So what if someone doesn’t accept, agree, or condone our “lifestyle”?

Will their approval threaten our livelihood? Does it keep us up at night? Is their acceptance the signature that appears on our paychecks, or the name listed on any of our leases, loans or contracts? Our values are our and ours alone. So long as we’re brave enough to stand in both our blackness and our sexuality, there shouldn’t be anything that keeps us from living our black ass, gay ass lives to the fullest. 

Knowing and doing are two different things, so now that we know that we need to stop worrying about things we can’t control, we’ve got to work to apply it. The fact that you’re reading this means that you’ve either survived or are surviving the things you haven’t been able to control. One way or another we find ways to deal with these things and part of dealing with them is overstanding that we can’t do a damn thing about them. We can’t change opinions, we can’t change religions, we can’t change any of the things that people use against us on an almost daily basis. 

We tend to worry about the things we can’t control, and when we think about these things, none of them are from the past, they’re in the future. Those of us who’ve come out to friends or family weren’t worried about how it affected our past, we worried about our future. We worried about whether or not we’d be accepted, if our family or friends would treat us differently, and about how we’d move forward if they rejected us.

We removed ourselves from these concerns once we realized that the people we were worried about weren’t fucking, financing or feeding us. The bills, leases and contracts were still our responsibility, and their opinions, no matter how favorable or unfavorable they are, hold no influence over us handling our business. That’s the consideration, that’s how we stop caring. If we can’t control it, and its not affecting our baseline functions, fuck it. 

There’s very little stress that comes along with the things that we can control. We might find ourselves annoyed at the fact that we’ve got to do something, but having the means to take care of it takes a lot of the stress away. Now the stress that comes with the things we can’t control...whew, chile. The ghetto, the ghetto!

Our best tip when it comes to handling the stresses around the things we can’t control is to drink it all away take things one day at a time, but don’t avoid it. The more we hide from things the more they seek us out. Remember we’re talking about the intangible opinions of people who have, if nothing else, demonstrated that they’re not here to further our cause. The moment we show any sign that we’re worried about them or their opinions of us makes us vulnerable. The biggest part of this is, and we’ve said this before, is for us to remember our divinity. A strong knowledge of self goes a long way, and the sooner we realize that, the better off we’ll be. 

As hotepy as it might sound, we’ve got to start carrying ourselves like the gods we are. We are sovereign creatures with the keys to our emotional freedoms.Our independence, our sovereignty lies inside of us. It's not something anyone can dictate or take away, its ours. Its fucking ours. Our physical, mental and spiritual well being relies on us overstanding each and every aspect of this.

Although there will always be things that fall beyond the scope of our control, our goal should be to remember our sovereignty at all times. It lies what we can, can’t, will and won’t do, in the ways we choose to respond to others and in the behaviors we accept from others. We are sovereign, we reign supreme in the decisions we make for and by ourselves. And, as we continue to do as we please and to please both do and live as we do, we must do so in ways that are not obstructed by anyone’s disapproval.