A Gentleman's Guide

MARCH | 2018

MARCH | 2018 | LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

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B O D Y  C O U N T S

How many people have you had sex with? Can you remember, or do you draw a blank at the thought of thinking about it?  Have you ever paused in the middle of sex and wondered how many people he’s done that thing he does to? Have you ever thought about, or asked about your Beaux’s body count? It’s definitely an interesting query but is it worth asking, can we handle the truth and does it even really matter?

Let’s start this with whether or not the question is even worth asking? Yes, it is and at the same time no. Yes, because if anything else it’ll give you the opportunity to see just how honest your Beaux is willing to be with you- that is, of course if he actually gives you an honest answer.

Having open and honest conversations about sex is always a plus in any relationship and that doesn’t have to be limited to the sex you and your Beaux are having. His honesty will demonstrate how invested he is in you and in not wanting you to feel like he has anything to hide. Talking about past sexual partners can be as exhilarating as it is exhausting and answering the question could set off some emotional landmines- so be very, very careful.

No, because his honest answer could very well, cause you to feel inadequate or vise versa. There are those who will tell you that your sexual history doesn’t define you, and it shouldn’t but in all honesty it does- at least in the eyes of your Beaux. A big part of this is knowing who you’re dating. Is your Beaux conservative or is he a free spirit?  Are your counts comparable or are they so off kilter that you wish you’d never asked?

Somebody’s momma once said, “don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” And she –whoever she is, couldn’t have been more right. Conversations about your sexual past aren’t important for what they reveal about you- they’re important for what they reveal about what you want for your current relationship. So if, and only if, you choose to open this box, we’ve got a few rules you must follow in the wake of making an inquiry of this magnitude

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Set ground rules for sharing.

If you’re are going to discuss your sexual past you’ll need to agree how the conversation is going to go down. Sex is such a hot-button topic, so ground rules are important. You’ve got to consider (and communicate) how much it is that you really want to know? Do you want the whole damn book, or will the cliff notes suffice?

Ask him who but not how many times.

What’s important here is the who. The who could be your boss, your friends ex Beaux or, hell, lets just be honest- your cousin. Knowing the who prevents future surprises, embarrassment and gives you the option to decide if the who affects the future of the what (your relationship with your Beaux). However, you cannot ask how many times! The number of times is irrelevant.

Ask him how: protected or raw?

This question can be asked without inquiring about the number, but hell, you’re in the neighborhood so as long as you can handle whatever answer he throws at you, why not? This question gives you the opportunity to either define or redefine your boundaries as they pertain to your own sexual health.

Ask him where- for no other reason than its being fun.

You must find a way to throw this question into the mix, even if just to break up the mountain of discomfort that’s often associated with conversations around body counts. This question will give you some insight on how far your Beaux has gone and may even pique your interest in exploring the opportunities for the two of you to have adventures of your own.  

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You can ask but you only have five minutes to judge.

This is extremely important. Its almost impossible for us not to judge, especially when it comes to a topic that some would consider to be taboo. If you feel the need to ask your Beaux about his body count and you get an answer you weren’t expecting you can only give yourself five minutes to silently and secretly judge him. Additionally, know that the sexual past of you doesn’t define you and the same can be said for your Beaux. Remember, his honesty is a sign of how invested he is in your relationship. If you can’t handle that honesty you might want to reconsider bringing the subject up.

Be prepared to answer every question you have asked.

How many times have you unlocked your private pictures for someone and they didn’t unlock in return. How annoying is it for someone to ask you something that they’re not giving in return. Don’t be that guy. If you expect him to be honest then you should be honest as well.

Have the conversation once and only once.

Do not dwell on it, do not bring it up in future arguments and try not to tell too many of your friends afterwards. Doing any of these things constitutes a betrayal of trust and will keep your Beaux from being honest with you in the future.

Even after considering all of this, you might find yourself wondering if any of it even really matters. In short, it doesn’t. Regardless of whether you’re getting to know your Beaux, seriously dating him or are already knee deep into a committed relationship with him, you’re with him-not his past. As long as you’re comfortable with your guy and the two of you are on the same page with the things you want and the things you don’t want, his body count shouldn’t matter. Additionally, everybody has a past and while some of our pasts may have been a little more active when compared to others, it's not something we can change.

 

Jeremy Carter