FEBRUARY | 2020 | BLACK, GAY & GIFTED

HELLO, LOVE

You all know how much we appreciate love. When we were laying the groundwork for Reignbeaux, we wanted to ensure that we held space for OUR kind of love, a space where it could be represented, where its facets could be appropriately dissected and discussed, a place where it could be lauded and applauded. We’ve never been really good at patting ourselves on the back, but if you ask us, we’ve done a damn good job thus far! We’ve also done our absolute best to feature those within the community who selflessly commit their craft to the service of the community, those who, through tremendous effort and intention, seek to move us forward on the path of black, gay progression. 

We see this month’s feature as beyond appropriate, as he not only exemplifies our love for love, but he’s constantly working to ensure that those of us who are in search of it are properly equipped to maintain the love we seek once its found! Those of us who have ever thrown our hats into the often frustrating ring of dating overstand the challenges that come with doing so. We have become infinitely familiar with “the representative”, formed familial bonds with the inconsistencies, and have grown disappointingly accustomed to being set up for the seemingly inevitable let down. However, according to Lamont Scales, there’s still hope!

Lamont, who is originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, left the City of Bridges to become a resident Atlanta, Georgia, the Empire City of the South in 2006. He earned his undergraduate degree in Psychology from Temple University and went on to earn his graduate degree in Professional Community Counseling from Argosy University in Atlanta. His academic endeavors are perfectest of pairs when it comes to the work he’s doing in and for the SGL community. Enter: Better Way to Meet. 

Lamont established Better Way to Meet after being frustrated and fed up with the experiences that come with meeting and dating QUALITY men. BWTM was designed to provide those who were interested in meeting other single men in Atlanta with a better way to meet them outside of the traditional Jack’d, Grind’r, Facebook method that the majority of us have (and probably still are) fruitlessly employed. Every good business plan starts with a question, and Lamont’s question focused on whether people actually know what it means to court. 

“Given this new age of online dating and using mobile devices to hook up, finding guys that want to date has become increasingly challenging.” he says. We’re not sure if there’s any science behind this statement, but there are certainly some really, really big numbers behind it. Jack’d alone consists of five million global users since its 2010 launch, with an estimated ten thousand new installs per day. Jack’d’s longtime competitor, Grindr, reached an estimated twenty seven MILLION global users in 2017, and its safe to say that number has since increased.

“As more SGL men are coming out of the closet, they have to navigate other SGL men who don’t know the meaning of courtship. That’s what BW2M specializes in for SGL men!” And, just so we’re clear, the challenges we face as SGL gentlemen of color isn’t unique to us, as Lamant, who is THE professional, assures us, “Oh and by the way, white gay men struggle with the same issues, so don’t feel so bad brothas!”

Lamont’s feature couldn’t come at a more opportune time, as we’re not only in the heat of our third annual All Black issue, we’re also approaching Valentine's Day, a.k.a, Cuffing Season finals, a.k.a, Single’s Awareness Day. Regardless of what we’ve come to call whatever day February 14th falls on, a lot of single Beauxs aren’t fans of it. Some will try to hide behind feigned admittences of not wanting to buy into the commercialism of it all, but the reality is, or at least might be, that it's one of the few times of year where they’re reminded that one the loneliest of numbers. However singleness isn’t something we should wallow in, it’s something Lamont feels we should embrace. 

“It’s the perfect time to spoil yourself, self-reflect, [to] accomplish individual goals without without distractions, and have fun.” Lamont suggests that the best remedy to these feelings is by hanging out with your friends, going to the gym, to take yourself out to dinner and a movie, or to go on a random date. “It's a day to embrace independence and love yourself.”

While many will find themselves lain where they’ve fallen in the trap of loneliness on and beyond Valentine’s Day, others may take a more progressive approach by using their time consider whether or not they’re even ready for the relationship they’re thirsting for. We’re not here to point fingers or to name names, but there are a lot of us who might not be as ready for a relationship as we think we are. We’ve all got that internal voice that guides us in these matters, and according to Lamont, we’ve gotta start listening to that voice. 

“Listen to that internal voice, because it might be right,” he says. “ Many people get into relationships for the wrong reasons- mainly loneliness. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who isn’t emotionally present, because they hopped into a relationship to satisfy their loneliness.” That inner voice, like Jasmine Masters, has something to say. Lamont, who again, is the professional in these matters, says that there are a few questions we should ask ourselves before entering into a relationship.

The first of these questions is whether we enjoy spending time with ourselves. Some of us might struggle with addressing this because an honest reflection could reveal a constant need for connection, which only makes the thought of being alone even scarier.

And, in the event that this is our reality, we’ve gotta dig to the bottom of why we crave this connection to the extent that we don’t like being alone. The result of engaging ourselves in this very crucial conversation will not only shed some light on the what of our need for constant connections, but the why, as well. 

Another question Lamont recommends is whether we’re mentally, physically, spiritually and financially stable. “This is the minimum requirement to be in a successful and thriving relationship”, Lamont says. Many of you commented on the now viral picture of what appears to be a trail of rose petals leading to a sad, but well intentioned, pallet set with lights, pillows and a tray with two waiting wine glasses. We’ve got a piece coming up on THAT, but it speaks to the importance of financial stability as it pertains to relationships.  Lamont also advises that we examine whether or not we’re ready to enter into a relationship with a less than perfect Beaux. “If you’re looking for perfection, you have already set yourself up for failure.”

Another consideration Lamont recommends we make is whether we’re ready to impress and to do the work to make someone smile. “Every man wants to feel desired by his boyfriend, so you must be ready to put in consistent work.” Relationships are about more than chemistry, as consistency is also key. Don’t get us wrong, because chemistry is important, but while the chemistry will lead to a grand opening, a lack of consistency will almost always lead to a grand closing. 

Such, our desire to engage in relationships requires us to do the work of regularly checking in with our Beaux, being present when we’re needed, and being able to demonstrate a sense of commitment to the process of getting to know him too. If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, then Lamont (who, again, is the professional) says “you are ready!”

One of Better Way to Meet’s services includes four forty-five minute short term psycho education groups, and there’s a very good reason for that. “Given [that] most SGL men have not been taught how to date another man, we offer these types of groups to help guys learn how to love themselves and how to date another guy.”  We’ve said it once, and we’ll more than likely say it again- we don’t have a template. 

The vast majority of us grew up as witnesses to heterosexual love, and we’ve done our best to apply our lessons in heterosexual love to our same gender love and relationships. This, in our very humble opinion, is the reason why many of us aren’t finding the success we’re searching for when it comes to our kind of love, as we’re putting the right intensity into the wrong mission, trying to fit the square peg of same gender love into the round hole of heteronormative relationships. It’ll never fit. It was never designed to. 

Better Way to Meet is also in the business of couple’s counseling. We’re gonna be honest, here, because we were literally throwing tables at one another discussing not only the importance of couple’s counseling, but the timing of it as well. Thank goodness we’ve got Lamont, who again, is the professional, to lend his professional opinion to the importance of both. “Couples counseling isn’t exclusive to couples who are having problems,” he says. Remember, Beauxs, Lamont is the professional. 

“I look at couples counseling as taking your relationship to the gym each week, while others might look at couples counseling as taking your relationship to the hospital.” According to Lamont (the professional), couples counseling can help to keep our relationships in shape, fun, transparent, and from being reactive in crisis mode. Couples counseling shouldn’t be treated as a last resort to be called on after trust has been broken, when the arguments become as frequent as they are intense, or when the channels of communication fall in and onto themselves, it's something that should occur before. 

A lot of us tend to get in our own way when it comes to love and relationships and sometimes block the blessing of our would be Beaux. We adapt to the frustrations and rejection by giving life to the subconscious belief that we will never find or don’t deserve happiness, that we’re better off single. We make bedfellows of our false equivalencies, and are unwilling to part with the friend we’ve made of our negative beliefs about relationships. We either can’t or simply refuse to acknowledge the ways we self sabotage our love lives, and even more of us aren’t even aware that we’re doing so. 

However, these blockages can be prevented, and Lamont has the how to that what, and it should come as no surprise that this how comes with a shameless plug!  “You can talk with a dating coach at BWTM so that you can unlearn some of the habits that may have gotten in your way. Better Way to Meet coaches meet with guys anywhere in the US by video conference or in person to help guys reach their dating goals.”

Of course Lamont is all about the business of love, but this doesn’t mean he can’t understand the weight of emotional toll of dating can bear. “Take a break”, he says. “Dating is hard work, and it’s not for the weary. It takes time, effort, and commitment.” Dating can, and for many of us has been traumatizing. Many of us have found ourselves in the seemingly endless cycle of becoming close to, feeling safe around, and being hopeful about a potential Beaux only to experience the pain of things not working out. Dating breaks can be healthy, but they don’t have to be forever. “After you have taken a break to enjoy, rediscover, and re-energize yourself, be willing to put in well desired effort in finding a guy.” And if you were waiting for him to suggest that it gets easier- don’t. ”Nope, dating can be hard work.”

The hopeless romantics among us hold fast to the belief that there is someone for everyone. That somewhere among what many would call the landfill of dating in the gay community, exists a Beaux who is waiting to be reclaimed and recycled.  So is there any truth to this belief? Maybe. Maybe not. “If you subscribe to the belief that lifelong relationships are the only successful relationships, then probably not,” Lamont says. 

Whenever we engage someone in the dating process we naturally evaluate how much we like them. From there we drift into the lane of accepting certain things as being true when they’re not. Such, the belief that we’ll only ever find and engage in one perfect relationship is a set up. “If you believe that you are meant to be with someone for the time Life has permitted, then yes. Find someone who makes you happy and appreciates you.” Don’t take this the wrong way, because it doesn’t mean that there’s no hope as much as it means that there’s always hope. 

Lamont’s exploits in the realm of SGL love has, of course, seen some promising results. “I sent two guys on a first date and their date lasted for twelve hours. They had so much in common that they spent the entire day together.” Lamont says that the couple has been together for the past year and a half, and that they’re “going strong”. One of the biggest pieces of success stories like these is that they require us to be honest about the reality of our standards. “Are your standards realistic? Perfection doesn’t exist, so set realistic standards.” Lamont says that having realistic standards is key when it comes to deciding on whether to stay in a relationship or to leave it. “Once you have crafted realistic standards, stick to them like the gospel.”

The only thing that beats a failure is a try, so Better Way to Meet is more than likely going to be the best approach to dating in 2020 and beyond. Participants can expect to meet with a dating coach/matchmaker who’ll dedicate time to actually getting to know them and their concerns. Afterwards they provide participants with a tangible and specific set of strategies to help improve the way you move on the dating scene. “We’ll match you with a guy that is tailored to your preferences.” he says, “We’ll arrange the interactive date and follow up with you afterwards for input.”

Better Way to Meet hosts local speed dating events every other month and social outing during alternating months. The matchmaking service is holding its ATL Unity Day trip on August 1st, an event that will consist of a full day of outdoor activities, BBQ, and a DJ. And why? Because like many of us, Lamont believes in love. “I love seeing guys rediscover that internal spark for life and dating. I love seeing two guys find a true connection and embark upon building a life together.” 

According to Lamont these things serve as constant motivators, and have pushed him to, past, and through his five years of blood, sweat and tears. We really don’t have to ask about what’s next for Lamont - but we did, and he identifies his plans as “Continuing to help guys across the country find love!” We strongly encourage you all to spend a little time with Lamont and Better Way to Meet, and are eternally thankful for him sharing his craft with us during what, for  many of us, is a sensitive time of year.