AUGUST | 2019 | LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

HEAUX REFORM

Hey, Beaux! We sincerely hope that you’re enjoying our second annual Hot Sex issue as we seek to tackle the sexiest topics we could find. Putting together this month’s Love and Relationships was beyond interesting as we decided to unpack the subject of what we like to call heaux reform. Heaux reform occurs when we find ourselves in the position of finding and falling in love with someone who has had more than what some would consider their fair share of sex. Guys normally shy away from this due to the belief that you can’t turn a heaux into a housewife. While none of us are looking for wives, we are on the hunt for someone to have and to hold. But what does dating a reformed heaux look like? What challenges come with doing so, and are we (and our judgements), missing the mark on an untapped resource? Lets work through this together. 

First things first, everyone--heauxs included--deserves love. Regardless of what anyone says, we are all entitled to experience unconditional love from whoever is willing to offer it. We deserve to share our space with people who won’t run when times get tough, and someone who won’t abandon us when we need them the most. This consideration is easy enough to grapple whenever we’re talking about the average guy, but things get a little tricky when it comes to a known heaux. Our best guess as to why we tend to think this way about the guys we classify as heauxs is because we rarely work to understand what lies at the root of their heauxness. 

It would probably be most helpful for us to think of these heauxs as a symptom rather than a sickness. Yes, we realize these terms might be problematic to some, but it's the best we could think of. Anyone who’s had the flu can tell you what the symptoms were. The can describe the chills, fever, and sore throat that served as harbingers of an impending flu. However, none of these symptoms pose a major threat independently, but when combined, they can become lethal. Heauxs are similar in this way as their commitment to noncommittal sex is a symptom of a fear of being mislead, hurt, or let down.

Their heauxness is not inherent, its inherited. It's all they were left with after being let down time and time again, and the only defense they have against wasted energy and time. We ALL know the perils of dating, so can we really be surprised at why some people resort to heauxing? How many times does one have to be lied to, played,and manipulated before they resort to not caring? How many times does someone have to be ghosted, or put on the back burner before they give up? 

Instances such as these represent a sickness, a sickness whose symptoms consist of posting thirst traps, noncommittal sex, and endless waves"wyd?" texts. But what happens when the sickness and its symptoms fade, and community dick finds his way into your inbox to say he's ready to be a little less communal? You've got one of two choices here, and the first of them is involves you not responding. However, our hope is that you explore the second option, which is to entertain his invitation and see where it goes. Dating g a reformed heaux might not seem like the best advice, but give us a chance to explain. 

First of all there are very few of us who can say we haven't experienced a heaux season or two. If you're a Virgo then you've probably exercised a little more discretion about your time in the Hoenn Region, but that's besides the point, because many of us have not only been there, but we got the shirt to prove it as well. 

The expectation we should have when dating a reformed heaux should be for us to be as forgiving of them as others have been of us. As intangible as time is, it's most solid characteristic is that its one directional, that it only moves forwards and never backwards. We should move this way when it comes to dating reformed heauxs, because there's nothing we can do about his past.

While its important we acknowledge his past, we can’t allow ourselves to get too hung up on it. Remember his past made him who he is today, and whatever he went through, it eventually lead him to us, and everything happens for a reason. We’ve also got to consider that we’re signing up for the good and the bad when we’re dating someone, and if that’s something we can’t handle then we shouldn’t try. 

Leaving the past lain where it has fallen can is easier said than done, and there are certain things that we’ve got to be conscious of. Being that “the past” is such a general term, we need to be real specific about how recent the past is. How long has it been since his last heaux excursion, and is he really ready to settle down? Should we be entitled to know about each and every guy he slept with, or should we mind the business that pays us? These are but a few considerations we should make before we think about settling down with anyone, regardless of whether or not he’s a retired heaux. The challenges of dating a reformed heaux can be few and far between, but they are still challenges nonetheless. The biggest of these challenges starts from within, and requires us to accept his past and to take him as he is (see above).

Another challenge lies within our insecurities. We’ve all got them. Acknowledging and confronting our insecurities can be tricky because sometimes the things we think are insecurities are really our instincts warning us of something. Insecurity causes us to feel inadequate when compared to someone from his past, while instinct warns us that something in the milk isn’t clean. Such, we’ve gotta pay special attention to the vibes we get when our reformed heaux is around a current friends with previous benefits. Are they still sleeping together, or is everything cool? Do we trust him when he tells us that they’re not stilling having each other, or do we do a little digging to determine whether or not he’s telling the truth? Attention must be paid.  

We’ll also have to overcome the obstacle that is his reputation. Heauxs aren’t heauxs because nobody knows them. No matter how much of a Virgo he is, there will always be receipts, and our decision to take him seriously means that we’ve got to be able to handle them whenever they’re presented.

Its best to understand why such receipts are given before reacting--because a lot of times people will say things just to see what kind of reaction they can get from us. Are they bringing up his heaux past to us because they want genuinely want us to know? Why do they want us to know, and what are their intentions? Do they really care, or are they just being messy? Of course these are things we have to think about with anyone, however dating the reformed heaux may see a rise in these types of situations.

Many would flinch at the suggestion of dating someone who, once upon a time, not long ago, was a heaux. However, these are the same people who are unable to see them as an untapped market in the realm of love. Remember, we’re not talking about the heauxs who are active and up to date on their membership dues, we’re talking about the ones who’ve decided to settle down.

Dating a reformed heaux means dating someone who has grown tired of meaningless sex, and someone who’s realized that he needs more. He’s lost interest in adding notches under his belt, and has decided that he’d rather add a notch to his heart. That was real corny, wasn’t it? And lastly, the fact that he’s considering taking us serious demonstrates that he sees something in us that he hasn’t seen in anyone else, and you know what that’s called? Growth. 

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As we draw closer and closer to the end of what many have called Hot Girl Summer, we’re reminded that cuffing season is right around the corner. Such, it might be worth the effort of casting a wider net to ensure that our options are as open as possible by considering those who others wouldn’t give a second thought to.

If this is the approach we’re going to take then we’ve got to remember that these heauxs aren’t always loyal, but there are some who are in the process of undergoing heaux reform. Remember that these are the people who’ve decided that they’re interested in more than the one night stand. Their signs and symptoms have dissipated, and they’re ready to leave their past behind them in order to move forward.

If we make the decision to accept that there’s nothing we can do about the people who came before us, that some people will try their hardest to stir up as much confusion as they can, and that everyone deserves a chance at love until proven otherwise, then heaux reform can serve to increase the size of our dating pool.